The following is something I posted a while ago on the S/K board. It was sadly lost due to website troubles. I have been meaning to archive it here and am just around to getting to it. It’s like my other satire look at the way the show was presenting Steve & Kayla back then. This was posted before the scene actually aired and sometimes I think my version might have been a little better. Um, my apologies to the Billie hate, I was a bit unforgiving of her then. 🙂
Scene: Kayla and Nick are visiting their daughter who is still in the hospital. We join our couple who are in the newly constructed breakroom of the hospital. A conversation has already been in progress, which us viewers never got to hear the beginning of.
Nick: And that’s when I was like, “Dude, leave me alone!”
Kayla: [laughing] That’s hilarious. Did you tell that story to Stephanie?
Nick: [grows serious and intense] I didn’t know if that would be an appropiate story for our little girl.
Kayla: You have been spending HOURS with Stephanie this last week *viewers groan that we never got to see it* so I think it’s safe for you to trust your instincts. [Kayla rises to pour a cup of coffee. She begins sipping.]
Nick: [excited] Actually I have been thinking about singing her a lullaby….[clears throat] Someone’s Knocking at my door, someone’s knocking…
[Nick stops because Kayla has now spit her coffee out all over the table.]
N: Are you ok? I’m sorry, was it that bad?
K: [with quiet voice] No, but you probably shouldn’t sing that to your daughter. You see…
[they stop when they see a smoke bomb has been thrown into the room and the door slams shut. They run to the door but it’s been locked.]
K: Oh no! Someone has thrown in a one-room only deadly biotoxin gas bomb in here! We have to get out of here or we will die.
N: [looks around] Through the air vent!
[K and N jump into air vent and Nick learning to be more of a gentleman pushes Kayla in first. He follows right behind.]
N: I never noticed how cute your butt was before.
K: Oh no! The vent has been cut off from this side too!
N: How can they cut off an air vent?
K: [sighs] Obviously Nick so the dangerious toxin can’t leak out throughout the rest of the hospital thereby widening the circle of victims the attacker wishes to kill.
N: I didn’t ask why I asked how.
[Right below them is EJ who is wearing gloves and turns to the cameras and holds his finger up to his lips with a shushing sound. He also hangs a sign on the breakroom door that says CLOSED FOR REPAIRS.]
*A week goes by. The viewers witness the rest of Salem with Bo and Hope along with Patrick, the Belle storyline who has decided to move 100% into her parent’s home with little Claire who has been SORASED and making eyes at Max. Only Stephanie seems to be the one that has noticed her parents aren’t around. She gets so worried she even asks Billie about it who has been trying to get Chelsea enrolled into a national hooker union so the kid can at least learn some moralistic codes. Upon hearing that Nick and Kayla might be having meaningful moments together, she rushes to the hospital.*
B: [Walks around looking for them. She notices the CLOSED FOR REPAIRS sign. She opens it a crack. She notices evidence of smoke which has now almost entirely disappaited]: OMG! A dangerous one-room only biotoxin gas bomb was thrown in here. It looks to be about a week old. I can move around freely in the room if I have some sort of cloth mask to filter out the gas. [She reaches into her purse and pulls out some extra hose]. Yet another reason to carry these with me!!
[Billie walks into the breakroom. She sees the open air vent. She can’t speak because of the smoke but her Anti-Marital Radar tells her they are in there!]
N: [coughing and tries to revive Kayla]: Kayla? Can you hear me? [He passes out]
[Billie manages to get help and Nick and Kayla are found and taken to….well, they are already at the hospital so they have saved time there. They are taken to a special wing of the hospital where a special anecdote has been pumped in their system to try to fight against the deadly biotoxin they ingested/inhaled/absorbed.]
Stephanie: [to the doctor] I’m so worried. What will happen to them? Will they recover?
Dr. Berman: We just have to wait and see. It could be an unspecified amount of days before we know what happens to them.
*Another week goes by. More Bo, Hope, Shawn, Belle, Mimi, Willow, Lexie, Abe, John and Marlena scenes. Max has been given therapy to work on why he is only attracted to his nieces. Stephanie is overheard that it figures they would cure him of that NOW. Billie still hangs around the hospital.*
[Nick wakes up.]
Stephanie: Dad, are you ok?
N: I am. How is your mother? [They both turn to her bed and see the anecdote is not working. She coughs some to show the extreme delicate nature of her condition. *The viewers are happy to see the cough was very Kayla-like*]
Steph: I don’t know, Dad. Dr. Berman says the anecdote isn’t working on her.
N: [looking ashamed] She can’t die. She saved my life in that air duct.
Steph: [confused] How did she do that?
*Episode ends, the next day we get a bonus episode because by now it’s November Sweeps and Hogan promised more S/K airtime.*
N: And that’s how she kept me going through the ordeal.
Steph: [through tears] Oh daddy! You see how special Mom is now don’t you?
N: [With Steve-like tears] Yes, I do. I wish there was something I could do.
Dr. Berman: [popping up suddenly] You could do something. You could talk to her.
N: I understand. Kayla? Kayla can you hear me? Listen, you have to fight baby. You have to tough this out, Sweetness.
[At sweetness, Kayla stirs.]
Steph: Look Dad, she moved!
N: [eye is as large as patch] Sweetness? OMG, she can hear me. Listen, Kayla, it’s me….Ni- It’s me Steve!
N: Kayla, I can…remember!!
K: [eyes dart open wide and she sits up] Did you say you remembered?
Dr. Berman: [Whispering to Nick]: Great, remember, you must now keep this up or she could relapse!
K: [Getting up miraculously to hug Nick]: Oh, Steve, I have you back!
N: [looking guilty] Uh, yea. [He looks at Stephanie who simply shrugs.]
*A week passes. Max has now fallen in love with his therapist who is Marlena but people are relieved she is just a former in law and not someone he should view as real family. The rest of Salem gets along without Nick and Kayla. Sami finds out about EJ and Kate screwing around on her, and she decides to take them out but accidentally hits Billie and Patrick which works out for the rest of Salem so no one is really upset. Lucas gets off his high horse and tries wooing Sami again*
[At Nick and Steve’s house. Things have been awkward as Nick has been lying to Kayla that he is Steve. Somehow he has managed to not have couch sex with her, but she is making it very difficult and he is getting really horny. He also by this time has fallen in love with her and wants to tell her the truth.]
K: [being all seductive] Steve! Come here! [She does the come hither gesture.]
N: [gulps] Kayla, I must tell you the truth.
K: [kisses him but N pulls away] Dang it Steve. I’m trying to be patient! Do you know it has been 14 years since I have done anything! Why are you pulling away?
N: because….because listen…
*Week goes by. Seriously, they stand in that living room for a WEEK while we wait and wait. The rest of the storylines are DONE. Everyone has left Salem by now as EJ has taken it over. But yet we still wait and wait for Steve and Kayla to appear.*
[Yep, where we were before]
K: [repeats everything she said before and then] I don’t understand. When you kiss me, you kiss me like you were still Nick. [REALIZATION!!!!] OMG, you are STILL NICK!!!
N: Kayla, will you let me explain [stops himself because has multiple flashbacks of Steve saying the same thing!!!!!!!!]
K: No, how could you! [in tears] You must have so laughed at me behind my back.
[Nick has flashbacks after she accuses him of knowing more about Andrew’s kidnapping.]
K: And you had Stephanie involved too! Don’t you have anything to say?
[Nick is still experiencing flashbacks. Kayla does a terrific SLAP across the face. Nick now looks at Kayla differently.]
STEVE!!!!: Sweetness? Where am I? [He faints.]
*Week goes by. People have started moving back to Salem. It seems EJ has gone to seek medical attention for rapid eye movement and now everyone is returning.*
[They are at the hospital. Steve has been in a coma since he fainted at the house. Kayla, though livid earlier, is concerned and putting him first again.]
Dr. Berman: It seems your husband has had a breakthrough. His CAT scan shows his memory returns.
Kayla: A CAT scan can’t show that.
Dr. Berman: We have special equipment here at Salem U.
Kayla: Oh. [Realization dawns on her that Steve is back.] OHHHHH. When will he wake up?
Dr. Berman: That I cannot tell you. It will probably be an unspecified amount of days…
Kayla: OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! NOT ANOTHER WEEK! [Taking a vase of flowers nearby she throws the water on Steve’s face which does wake him up.] Steve?
Steve: I had the weirdest dream, Sweetness!
[They collapse into each other’s arms. Dr. Berman knows it’s been a long time for poor Kayla so he wisely closes the curtain of complete privacy so they can reconsumate their relationship which of courses, will also be offscreen.]